I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
