god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
