"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
