I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
