Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
