I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
