anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just want to make out with him forever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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