You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
