you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
