I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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