so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
