Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
