I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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