2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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