Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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