The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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