remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I believe in your delicious
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
