can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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