The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
