He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
