I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
