Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
