Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
