Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
