I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
