So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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