Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
