Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
