i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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