OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
