So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
