my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
