So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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