I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
