im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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