Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
