did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
