if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
