you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
