I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just want nice things and good sex
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
