I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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