i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
