sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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