Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
