Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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