getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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