Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
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