i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
