The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
