It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
organizing the empties. That sober.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
