he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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