I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
