I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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