sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
