i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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