theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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