tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
