My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
